Stop Telling Women to Be Confident - Here's What Actually Works (And Why the Self-Help Industry Is Lying to You)
The Brutal Truth: "Just Be Confident" Is the Worst Advice Ever Given to Women
I'm about to say something that will probably piss off every self-help guru on Instagram: telling women to "just be confident" is not only useless advice – it's damaging.
After losing everything at 27 and rebuilding my entire identity from scratch, I've learned something the confidence coaches don't want you to know: real confidence isn't something you fake until you make it. It's something you earn through doing the hard work nobody talks about.
The Confidence Myth That's Keeping You Small
Here's the lie we've all been sold: confident women wake up feeling amazing about themselves every day. They strut into rooms owning their power. They never doubt themselves or feel insecure.
Real confidence isn't the absence of fear or self-doubt. It's feeling those things and choosing to act anyway. It's not about believing you're amazing – it's about knowing you can handle whatever comes your way, even when you feel like garbage.
Why "Fake It Till You Make It" Is Toxic for Women
Every time someone tells a woman to "fake it till you make it," they're essentially saying: "Your authentic feelings aren't valid. Just pretend to be someone you're not."
This is especially damaging because women are already socialized to perform emotions they don't feel. We're told to smile when we're angry, to be nice when we're frustrated, to shrink ourselves to make others comfortable.
"Fake it till you make it" is just another version of: "Don't be authentic. Be what others expect."
When I was 27 and my life imploded, everyone kept telling me to "stay positive" and "fake it till you make it." You know what that got me? More anxiety, more self-doubt, and a deeper sense that something was fundamentally wrong with me.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Real Confidence
Real confidence is built in the dark, messy moments when nobody's watching. It's built through:
Keeping promises to yourself when you don't feel like it
Setting boundaries even when people get mad
Failing at something and getting back up anyway
Saying no without explaining yourself
Taking up space even when you feel uncomfortable doing it
When I moved to the other side of the world alone, I wasn't confident. I was terrified. But I did it anyway. And every small action I took while scared built real confidence – not the fake Instagram kind, but the deep, unshakeable kind.
Why Society Wants Women to Stay "Humbly Confident"
Here's something controversial: society has a very specific comfort zone for women's confidence. We're supposed to be confident enough to be capable, but not so confident that we threaten anyone. We're supposed to be "humble" about our achievements and "grateful" for opportunities.
This is why women are constantly told to tone it down, to not be "too much," to stay in their lane.
But what if being "too much" is exactly what the world needs more of?
The Dreamy Reset Approach to Unshakeable Confidence
After rebuilding my life from nothing, I discovered that confidence isn't a personality trait – it's a skill you develop through practice. Here's what actually works:
1. Stop Seeking External Validation
The moment you stop needing others to confirm your worth is the moment real confidence begins. This doesn't mean you don't care what people think – it means their opinions don't determine your actions.
2. Keep Your Word to Yourself
Nothing destroys confidence faster than breaking promises to yourself. Start small: if you say you're going to work out, work out. If you say you're going to wake up early, wake up early. Self-trust is the foundation of confidence.
3. Embrace Being Disliked
Confident women make people uncomfortable. They ask for what they want. They say no without explanations. They take up space. Not everyone will like this, and that's not your problem to fix.
4. Celebrate Your Failures
Every time you fail and survive, you prove to yourself that you can handle hard things. Failure isn't the opposite of confidence – it's the building block of it.
Essential Tools for Building Unshakeable Confidence
Your confidence journey requires supporting your whole self – mind, body, and energy:
For Mindset Work:
Affirmation cards for women
For Physical Presence:
For Energy and Wellness:
The Most Controversial Confidence Truth
Here it is: You don't need to love yourself to be confident. You don't need to think you're amazing. You don't need to feel fearless.
You just need to be willing to act like the woman you want to become, even when – especially when – you don't feel like her yet.
Confidence isn't a feeling. It's a choice you make over and over again.
Stop Waiting for Permission to Be Powerful
The world doesn't need more "humbly confident" women who apologize for taking up space. The world needs women who are unapologetically powerful, who dream bigger than anyone expects them to, who refuse to shrink themselves for others' comfort.
Your confidence doesn't need to look like anyone else's. It doesn't need to be loud or quiet, bold or subtle. It just needs to be real.
The Question That Changes Everything
So here's my controversial question: What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What would you pursue if you stopped caring about being "too much"?
That thing you just thought of? That's your confidence calling.
Your Dreamy Reset Confidence Challenge
Stop asking for confidence tips and start building confidence through action. Choose one thing you've been avoiding because you "don't feel confident enough" and do it this week. Not when you feel ready – now.
Because here's the secret: you'll never feel ready. Confident women aren't the ones who feel ready – they're the ones who act anyway.
Ready to build unshakeable confidence that doesn't depend on how you feel? I work with women who are tired of playing small and ready to claim their power. Because the world needs more women who refuse to apologize for being exactly who they are.
What's one thing you've been avoiding because you "don't feel confident enough"?
Share it below – your courage might inspire another woman to take action too.
